Judgement, betrayal, denial, loss, carnage… *sigh*. All the things addiction has bestowed upon me. Normally, I would get drunk to numb the emotions but this is not an option. Learning to deal with uncomfortable emotions and pain is proving to be a real bitch, but a necessity. In retrospect, I have never made one good decision while drinking. I certainly have never made a good decision while in blackout mode. My friends would speak of my blackouts as if that person were a different person. We would speak of her and tip toe around the uncomfortable laughter while I would sit embarrassed and hoping they would not give me any more details about the stuff I had done. Some would think this would be ammunition for me to stop drinking. Sometimes, depending on the severity of my actions, it would be enough to stop me for a few days. Then…the voice of addiction would come back, louder and louder, until it had me convinced that I was NOT an addict and that I could limit myself to a couple of drinks. Never, ever was that voice correct…Not even a little bit.
This recent episode of “blackout” me has left me with a loss of a very dear friend. One of the most important people in my life. We have been through almost our entire lives together and she has been by me through the last 17+ years of my addiction. She has finally had enough and I do not blame her, not even a little bit. I am devastated, this is an understatement, and I don’t even know what to do with myself. Part of me is angry that she would believe that I would ever hurt her intentionally. So many times in our lives I have put her comfort above my own. I have always made sure I placed her happiness above mine. That was my fault, that I put others happiness above my own and I, in no way, think that she should have to put up with my drunken shenanigans because of my decision to put her on a pedestal. I think I have always been afraid that if I gave any less, she wouldn’t want to be my friend. It sounds sad, I know… but I never knew what I would do without her. Almost 30 years… She is the only person currently in my life, other than family, who knew me before my addiction.
I could go on and on and on about could have, should have, and what if…I suppose it is pointless. I need to learn to love myself in order to make recovery work. I need to focus on will power and I cannot let myself focus on loss right now. Loving myself is something I have never done. Hell, I can honestly say I’ve never even liked myself much. This has always made it harder, but in my mind it was predictable, when people do walk out on me. I could always tell myself that them leaving is an affirmation that I am not a good person and that I do not deserve to be loved. All of my perceived flaws, shortcomings, and weaknesses are confirmed by them leaving. It was all simple and made sense to me, even my own father couldn’t stand me. I need to stop the negative voices that continue to tell me these things in order to be successful in this fight. I need silence. I need to make peace with myself. As for the ones I’ve hurt, I wish I could tell them that I am so very sorry. My intentions vs. my actions … Ugh.