When all the stars were falling…

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Judgement, betrayal, denial, loss, carnage… *sigh*.  All the things addiction has bestowed upon me. Normally, I would get drunk to numb the emotions but this is not an option.  Learning to deal with uncomfortable emotions and pain is proving to be a real bitch, but a necessity. In retrospect, I have never made one good decision while drinking. I certainly have never made a good decision while in blackout mode. My friends would speak of my blackouts as if that person were a different person. We would speak of her and tip toe around the uncomfortable laughter while I would sit embarrassed and hoping they would not give me any more details about the stuff I had done. Some would think this would be ammunition for me to stop drinking. Sometimes, depending on the severity of my actions, it would be enough to stop me for a few days. Then…the voice of addiction would come back, louder and louder, until it had me convinced that I was NOT an addict and that I could limit myself to a couple of drinks. Never, ever was that voice correct…Not even a little bit.

This recent episode of “blackout” me has left me with a loss of a very dear friend. One of the most important people in my life. We have been through almost our entire lives together and she has been by me through the last 17+ years of my addiction. She has finally had enough and I do not blame her, not even a little bit.  I am devastated, this is an understatement, and I don’t even know what to do with myself. Part of me is angry that she would believe that I would ever hurt her intentionally. So many times in our lives I have put her comfort above my own. I have always made sure I placed her happiness above mine. That was my fault, that I put others happiness above my own and I, in no way, think that she should have to put up with my drunken shenanigans because of my decision to put her on a pedestal. I think I have always been afraid that if I gave any less, she wouldn’t want to be my friend. It sounds sad, I know… but I never knew what I would do without her. Almost 30 years… She is the only person currently in my life, other than family, who knew me before my addiction.

I could go on and on and on about could have, should have, and what if…I suppose it is pointless. I need to learn to love myself in order to make recovery work. I need to focus on will power and I cannot let myself focus on loss right now. Loving myself is something I have never done. Hell, I can honestly say I’ve never even liked myself much. This has always made it harder, but in my mind it was predictable, when people do walk out on me. I could always tell myself that them leaving is an affirmation that I am not a good person and that I do not deserve to be loved. All of my perceived flaws, shortcomings, and weaknesses are confirmed by them leaving. It was all simple and made sense to me, even my own father couldn’t stand me. I need to stop the negative voices that continue to tell me these things in order to be successful in this fight. I need silence. I need to make peace with myself. As for the ones I’ve hurt, I wish I could tell them that I am so very sorry. My intentions vs. my actions … Ugh.

New Year, New me…Right?

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This is new for me, I am not really sure where to begin. My life has been an interesting turn of events and it all revolves around choices made by me. Nobody else to blame but me. I think that is what weighs on me the most. Relationships stretched thin, important people walking away, health issues, wreckless behaviour.  All my fault. I am not going to blame addiction, but addiction is a life changer. The person I am is not the same person once substance use occurs. I change… This is nothing unique to me, as every other addict knows the same feeling. When is enough, enough? Where is that line? Losing friends, loved ones, completely destroying relationships, becoming undependable, irrational actions, losing our health…When do we decide to change? I guess that all depends on the individual addict. Continuing the behaviour basically is the same as telling others that they are not important enough to stop you. It is a slap in the face to the ones who are still by your side. The enablers some would call them , but really I believe those are the ones that truly care. The ones who hope and pray that you will change and maybe someday they can help see you through or they will stand by your side until you die.

I started young and drinking became a coping mechanism for me. Life was too tough and I learned early on that alcohol numbed the pain. Alcohol allowed me to become the person, initially, that I thought was outgoing, witty, and someone people wanted to be around. That didn’t last long. I can’t even begin to describe how many nights of my life that I have made such horrible choices and what is worse, is that I have no recollection of these nights. I am all too familiar with the feeling of dread the next morning and the embarrassment of having to relive my horribleness through others recollection. Let it be noted, I despise the person I am when I am blackout drunk. So much so, that I have to refer to her with her own identity. She is some monster that does things that I would never do without alcohol. She is the darkness that is always lingering in the backround telling me it is time for another drink. She is my biggest cheerleader and my worst enemy.  She must be destroyed before she destroys me. I have attempted sobriety in the past, I did not make it past a month and one day, that is sad. The cheerleader tells me that I am not an alcoholic and that I can learn to control my drinking. I eventually listen to her against my better judgement because the longer I am sober, the louder she gets… And man, does she get loud.

My goal for now is to make it through the week without a major health issue from quitting. I owe it to myself to keep trying, I owe it to my loved ones to keep trying. We will see… Here is to a sober start…again.